This page first started on August 16th 1998
And last updated Sepetember 6th 1998

GUERNSEY'S
SECOND
LIMERICK ARCHIVE PAGE

The Second 50

                           
And here are the second 50 Limericks as first shown on Guernsey's home page and we hope you like them as much as the first 50.
                           

    #50    David Stoning

The fabulous Wizard of Oz
Retired from business becoz
What with up to date science
To most of his clients
He wasn' the Wizard he woz.

                             #51     E.Parrot

A shepherd who hailed from Gwent
Once kept a few skunks in his tent
When asked "Did they smell"
He answered "Too well
They took one sniff of me and they went".

Limerick #52 Daniel Ford
This limerick came from a newsletter with a more or less daily posting.
If you're interested further, contact {majordomo@peak.org} with the following message:
subscribe {your address} Partners-in-Rhyme.
A hungry lion came upon camp.
One man reading, one writing by lamp,
Lion reader chose,
For everyone knows
Readers Digest, but writers cramp

Limerick #53 Joe Guerin
A cross eyed man dined out in Whextable
And said "As for food I am flextable"
But he very soon got
In a helluva knot,
When he tried to eat food from the nextable

                             Limerick #54 Jean Fox
jean.fox@cableol.co.uk

As a lady I mustn't be rude
Though I'm sure I am never a prude
My Mother said "Daughter,
be proper, you ortta
and NEVER but NEVER be crude!

              A lady must always be sweet
              polite and attentive and neat
              your clothes never wrinkle
              and laugh with a tinkle
            and men you will sweep off their feet"

"Yes Mother", to her I would say,
A good girl I'd always obey
But now I am older,
and got so much bolder,
I'm 'sweeping' and running astray!

Limerick #55 Don Tidwell - a.k.a. Tater
(dtidwell@utah-inter.net)

I once had a girl friend named Nelda
she was slick as an eel when you helda...
She could slither her charms
thru the tightest of arms....
To contain her, I had to spot welda.

    Limerick #56    Joe Guerin

An old rhyming poet from Skye
Reckoned old rhyming poets don't die
Though without any doubt
When their meters run out
Their rhyming would fade with a sigh

 Limerick #57     Devlin McHenry

There once was a plesiosaurus
Who lived when the world was all porous
But it died out with shame
When it heard its long name
And departed long ages before us

Limerick #57    Bob Badger of Texas
One day at the lake with no sock
I was danglin' my feet off the dock
And then the game warden
Handcuffed me regardin'
The fact that the fish died from shock.

Limerick #58     William Bliss

If t'were no Pain, how judge we of Pleasure?
If no Work, where's the solace of Leisure?
What's White, if no Black?
What's Wealth if no Lack?
If no Loss , how our Gain could we Measure?

 Limerick #59    Blaketon Smith

A sporting young lady from Rhyde
Once swam too far out in the tide
Cried a maid-eating shark
'How's this for a lark
I knew that the lord would provide

There's no money in poetry,
but then there's no poetry in money.
Robert Graves

Limerick #60    Ogden Nash

There was a young lady called Harris
That nothing could ever embarrass
Till the bath salts, one day
In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

Limerick #61    Cyril Glaston

A failed musician from Tring
When somebody asked him to sing
Replied "Now it's odd
But I cannot tell God
Save the weasel from Pop goes the King"

                             Limerick #62 Martin Fagg

A well known fellow named Freud
Was (not without reason) anneud
'Cause his concept of Id
And all that it did
Was so starkly and loosely empleud

Limerick #63 Mary Sullivan
(http://www.gtwn-sqr.com/onion/poemlist/archive.htm)

An ol' Texas cowboy once heered
That his boots warn't too highly reveered.
He installed Doctor Scholl's
Odor-Eater controls
And the next day he plumb disappeered

Limerick #64 Ruth Silcock

Hibiscus is flaming and frillier;
Oleander is neater and chilliier
Frangipani smells sweeter
But is somhow effeter
Than a tower of puce Bougainvillea.

 Limerick of the week #65 Shelby Forrest
sforrest@earthlink.net

Some Indians who fought on the prairie
Their hatchets decided to bury
They were buried instead
Into each other's head
Some stayed alive - but not very

Limerick #66 James Tillman

A senorita on the Corso
Displayed a lot of her torso,
A crowd soon collected,
And no-one objected,
Tho' some were in favour of more so.

Limerick #67 Frank Richards
 An ancestor at Waterloo
Fought solidly all the day through;
He slashed and he hacked,
Through bodies tight packed,
And managed to reach platform two.

Limerick #68 Spike Milligan
A man who was asked out to dinner
Came back home looking hungry and thinner
He said 'Don't look baffled
The dinner was raffled
And somebody else was the winner'

  

Limerick #69 Frank Richards
Goliath was known for ferocity
An expert in every atrocity
But was knocked in a heap
By a youth who kept sheep
A victim of teenage precocity

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters
will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to the Internet,
we know this is not true."

Professor Robert Silensky

Limerick #70
Stanley Sharpless
 Said a Herring one day to a Sole:
"Life's very unfair 'pon my shoal
While I'm laid on a slab
You'll be with that crab
Billed in French at the Ritz-Metropole".
Limerick #71
Geoffrey Chaucer
Ther once was this ladye of Tyre
Whoo fild evry mann with deesiyre
Two sovrins enuff
For youre back setey stuf
But fees for onne nite are much hyer

Limerick #72
Alan Laing
It's a nightmare that horrifies Hakes
To finish as frugal fishcakes
But Oh! what a dream
To be stewed slow in cream
Or fresh, fried in upper class steaks.

Limerick #73 Stanley Sharpless

Monsieur Gaugin? 'E's gone to Tahiti,
Where ze girls are zo friendly and preety
'E paints zem quite bare
Wiz zair lovely black 'air
And bodies zo - 'ow you say? 'meaty'.
Limerick #74 Martha Petit

An old maid in the land of Aloha
Got wrapped in the coils of a boa;
And as the snake squeezed,
The old maid, - not displeased,
Cried, "Darling! I love it! Samoa!"


Limerick #75 Peter Moss

There was a young man of Calcutta
Who had an incurable stutta
He said pass the h-ham
And the j-j- j-jam
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butta

Limerick #76 Cyril Mountjoy

Young Joseph's new coat was real nice,
Bright colours and cheap at the price;
The coat was to take him
To Egypt and make him
As rich as Lloyd-Weber and Rice.
Limerick #77 Stacy Bennman

A most famous psychic called Pye
Went to visit a colleague close by
Who said with a smile
Come stay here a while
Your'e very well -now- how am I?


Limerick #78
by CYBERGEEZER
(http://www.webcom.com/texasred/garden.html)

A computer scientist called Mad Matt
Crying "Genetics is where it's all at",
Crossed a Ford veep he knew
With a mammal that flew
And produced an auto.exec.bat


Limerick #79
John C. Tomlinson
corsonic@iglou.com

Procrustes attacked with much zest
When he whacked off the feet of his guest.
As he did so he said,
"You must fit in my bed,
And your feet just do not meet the test!"
Limerick #80
by Ida Thurtle

As played by the phantoms of Poole
Graveyard football can be very cruel
If one kicks a ghost
Passed the other side's post
He wins credit for scoring a ghoul
Limerick #81
Maurice Le Page

A faith healer I know out of Deal
Said "Although all this pain isn't real
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel.

Limerick #82
John C.Tomlinson
corsonic@iglou.com

Grasshopper chewed slowly and spit
His tobacco, which flew out and hit
The Toad, who - offended -
His person defended
By tongue-lashing Grasshopper a bit.
Limerick #83
Gerry Busch

There's a lady I know from Moline
Who writes Limericks (and yes they're all clean)
It wasn't her aim
To continue this game
And her new ones are somwhat obscene !


Limerick #84
Mike Walters

A vicar- his name was McWinners
Held regular classes for sinners
They were graded and sorted
So the really distorted
Would not be held back by beginners.

Limerick #85
Jerome Mendelson
(jeralah@worldnet.att.net)

I looked up our family tree.
I was shocked as ever could be.
There's no variations
In my past relations;
All were lazy and dumb - just like me!
Limerick #86
Terry Braaten

A logger on top of Mt. Hood
Saw a bigfoot quite near where he stood.
As the creature drew near,
The man trembled with fear,
As only the petrified wood.

Limerick #87
Frank Richards

A boastful young fellow of Neath
Once hung from a roof by his teeth
A rather large crowd
First cheered him quite loud
Then passed a hat round for his wreath

Limerick of the week #88
Peter Furness

Whenever he got in a fury, a
Schizophrenic from Upper Manchuria
Had pseudocyesis
Disdiadochokinesis
And haemotoporphyrimuria.
(look it up - I don't know)
Limerick of the week #89
PIBWOB

Van Gogh feeling devil-may-care
Labelled one of his efforts 'The Chair'
No one knows if the bloke
Perpetrated a joke
Or the furniture needed repair


Limerick of the week #90
CYBERGEEZER
(geezer@cybergeezer.com)

Lo, the old Archimedean screw
Is still being used in Peru,
And they use it in Spain
To elevate grain
And in Egypt, to irrigate too.


Limerick of the week #91
Don Mulford

An elderly actress named Gray
Tried to smooth all her wrinkles away;
But the cream that she bought
Wasn't quite what she thought,
And she grew a long beard in a day.


Limerick #92
(www.webcom.com/texasred/garden.html)

A hungry young fellow named Marvin
Sat dreaming of turkeys and carvin'.
So a lady brought Spam,
But he said, "Thank you, ma'am;
I prefer the alternative: starvin'."

Limerick #93
John C. Tomlinson (corsonic@iglou.com)

My friend, Fortemious Twiddle,
Played Mozart each day on his fiddle
'Till a string came unstrung
And encircled his tongue---
Shows - if Fate wants to getcha, then it'll!

Limerick #94
from
Gerald Bosacker (DrWryme@aol.com)

If you would trace your family tree
Be braced to find some strange debris
For deep in the past,
When manners were cast,
You were kin to the Chimpanzee.

Limerick #95
Tony Kearney
(kearney@southcom.com.au)
Tony's Limericks are published in book form
Why not e-mail him and find out?

A naughty young fellow, named Paul,
On the road to Damascus did fall.
He got up with a grin,
Said, "No more will I sin."
And later became great St.Paul.



Limerick #96
Don Mulford

An atheist chap name of Fred
Once said as he climbed into bed,
"There's no heaven, I'm sure,
But I'd hate to endure
The other, should I wake up dead.


Limerick #97
from
Heywood Brown

There was a young girl with a hernia
Who said to her doctor "Gol-dernia
When mending my middle
Be sure you don't fiddle
With matters that do not concernia."
Limerick #98
Peter Pearch

Said a g'ography teacher from Hayes
As he entered the Hampton Court Maze
"There ain't nothing in it
I won't be a minute"
And vanished for 24 days

Limerick #99
by
John C. Tomlinson
(corsonic@iglou.com)

The Firefly, as all of you know,
Has a rear-end renowned for its glow.
If Nature allowed
Me to be so endowed
I could outshine a Las Vegas show!

.

Limerick #100
geezer@cybergeezer.com

Every year an old lady named Fannister
Gives her neighbors an axle-grease cannister
On the morning of Easter
And, after they've greased 'er,
They measure her time down the bannister.


Poetry is truth in it's Sunday clothes.
Joseph Roux
(And maybe the Limerick is a Tee shirt on a Saturday night out).
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