After Curfew

This story also happened during the occupation of Guernsey. Bert and Sid had been out during the evening playing cards and getting drunk on their home made wine at Eugenes house. They had got so engrossed in everything that they had not noticed that it had gone way passed curfew time. "Cor damnee me " Bert said, " bloody stone der crows " he went on look at the time the wives will be having kittens knowing were out after curfew. Course Bert being married to Ethal was enough to scare the hell out of anyone, let alone having to possibly face some trigger happy German soldier on the way home. "Stay here for the night" said Eugene". Bert turned that offer down on the grounds that he'd rather face a German firing squad that turn up some time to morrow having not gone home. Sid wasn't yet married but he was courting Betty, a lovely woman untill annoyed, then you would rather do ten rounds with Mike Tyson and face the wrath of Betty, so he decided to run the gauntlet with Bert.

Now what Sid hadn't told Bert was that a few months ago he had got stopped after curfew, he had only got away with it, cos the German spoke English and he had told the German soldier his wife was pregnant and he had gone out to try and find a midwife. Luckily the German soldier hadn't taken it further and told him to get going quick and don't let me catch you out after curfew again, or i shoot.

Anyway, off Bert and Sid set, on their pushbikes away from Eugenes house towards their homes, which were not far from each other, they rode well apart from each other, not by choice though, Sid was that pooped from home made wine, that he was nearly falling off every minute, and doing a snake dance riding his cycle.

Bert had gone round the corner by the Vale Church well ahead of Sid, when a harsh loud voice brought him to a sudden stop.

In broken english this voice bellowed out, "Halten, do not ze move or vill shoot" barked out the German Soldier. Sid, still some way back heard this shout, hit the brakes hard and fell straight off the cycle, into a gorse bush. Sid told me, when we were listening to this story over a glass or two of ale, "I had thorns stuck in me everywhere, mostly in by rear end cor bloney me it 'urt" he finished.Old Bert piped up and said" I looked at this bloney great German standing in front of me with his rifle pointing at me and some warm liquid started trickling down my leg" he continued, Ethal butted in and told me" Yeah, all that bloney wine they.ed drank caused that". Sid hid behind some bushes listening to what the Germans were saying, and then a cold shiver ran down his back. Bert had used the same excuse Sid had some time before, Ethal butted in again" huh, fat chance of me being pregnant, you were always to pissed for that, and even when you wern't you snored so much i couldn't get no sense out of you anyway", she ended. A little voice in the background suddenly chipped in" why change a lifetime habit Ethal eh", Sids wife explained.Anyway, Sid knew that this German was the same one as he'd encountered, he knew for sure when the German replied to Berts excuse, "Ya i have heard zis story before, i sink you tell lies i vill have you shot".

Sid made a beeline for the Church graveyard, leaving his cycle well buried in the gorse bush, he darted in and out of the gravestones, then wallop, he ran straight into one hitting his head full force.The noise he made startled the Twitchy trigger happy German, "Vas iz zat" he asked his comrade, and then fired a shot in the direction of the noise. Bert told me he has never laughed so much after the incident, and every time he tells the story, "the next thing you hear after the gunshot" he told me" is this rather feeble squakey meow, a lot of rustling, then another meow, a dog barking, which sounded more like an orangatang giving birth and two German soldiers in hot pursuit of these so called animal noises ".

The German soldier threatened Bert and ordered him to stay put, or i shoot you, "fat chance " Bert explained, and as soon as the Germans disapeared into the graveyard, he scarpred like a scolded cat, however not the one in the Graveyard called Sid.

Sid was bricking it by now, two trigger happy Germans on his tail, seemed apt after his feeble impersonations of animals. With a banging headache he scarpered futher down the graveyard, he could hear the Germans still coming, he leapt over a low wall, and there saw a freshly dug grave ready for a funeral tomorrow.

Thud, Bert jumped down into the deep grave, cowered up into the corner and prayed the Germans would not look in there for him, at least it was very dark. Sid told me he stayed down the grave for at least an hour before he dare move, the Germans had gone he thought, so he'd hotfoot it out the grave and scarper. No chance of that, Sid was only 5 feet 3 inches, the grave was nine feet deep. Try as he might, no way could he get out of this grave. Very early in the morning, just after dawn he heard someone whistling, then a clang of tools, he looked up to the top of the grave and there with his back to him was Chalky, the grave digger come to finish the job. A voice came from below, like in an echo chamber, "Chalkie" Sid called out "get me out of here". Poor old Chalkie, he froze, his face went ashen, i mean here was a voice from below wanting to get out, then he turned looked down the grave and saw Sids beaming face, and Chalkie wiped the cold sweat from his brow.

Chalkie, in the pub where Bert and Sid, now both quite well oiled were telling me this story piped up, "the little sod scared the living daylights out of me and i have never been right since. This wouldn't be the last time poor old Chalkie would come across this Motley crew in his life time.