Caution Cabbie's on the Loose
Off duty Shenanigans

These stories are of funny moments encountered by drivers when they were off duty.

Rocky

One of the link operators, from the eighties era was a young chap, good at his job, but always late. Never mind what time his shift started he was always five or ten minutes late, never used the same excuse twice in the few years i worked with him , in fact come the end the drivers used to queue up to find out what the excuse was this time cos the stories were so good, more than likely gonna use them on their wives at some stage, i'll bet.

Well this one one day he was late as usuall, the drivers were thinking, and betting, whats the storygonna be to day Brer Rabbitt. Well this was a new one yet again. "Sorry i'm late lads " he said looking rather flustered, mind you no body took any notice of that, cos that was part of the act, " i got caught by the tide at Les Tielles and the inshore rescue had to come out and get off the rocks"

Well we all looked at each other, jeeps how did he think that one up, "honestly" the young link op stated " this is true i did have to be rescued". Well everyone carried on with their jobs, they'd heard that days story, and they all made sarcastic comments, "yeh yeh and my names John Wayne", and "i belive you i'll just remove the green from my eyes ", so on and so forth, and then, The late evening news from Channel TV. The newsreader went, " and this evening in Guernsey a young man had to be rescued from the Cliffs around Plienmont by the inshore lifeboat as he became stranded on rocks when the tide came up and surrounded the rocks.

Well you could of heard a pin drop, be jeepers he was telling the truth, first time ever his excuse was not a fairy tale story invented by Han Christian Anderson, or Bugs Bunny. From that moment on, he was called Rocky, he still came in late every shift, he still had a new excuse each time, but do we believe him or not, became the question of the day.

Eyeball:

Some years ago there was a cab driver who had one glass eye.
One particular night when off duty he and his wife went out to a party, got very drunk and came home in the early hours of the morning. He took out his glass eye for safety sake, got into bed and fell into a drunken sleep.
The following morning when he awoke, with a rather lousy hangover, he could not find , or even remember where he had put his glass eye. He searched everywhere, even in the fridge and down the loo, nothing, just could not find it. All of a sudden there was a loud thud , and a scream coming from the bedroom, he rushed up there as he thought his wife had fallen out of bed and hurt herself.
He was right about her falling out of bed, however that was because she'd woke up, and had leapt out of bed in shock. The cab driver as he remembered now had taken out his eyeball in bed, put it in his hand before going into his deep sleep, the eyeball had fallen out of his hand and ended up in the crack of his wifes rear end, and when she woke up with this glass thing stuck there it sent shivers running all over the place...............Still it brought a whole new meaning to having eyes in the back of ones ass.!!!!!

Yorkie:

One local driver a few years decided that seeing as it was quiet that afternoon that he would take his wifes Yorkie dog for a walk.
So down to Lancresse he went, let the dog off it's lead, and off it went to do what dogs do.

After a while The driver started to call the dog, no sign of him anywhere. He was now walking near the Fort Le Marchant area, calling and calling this wayward Yorkie, still no response, and he daren't go home to his wife without the dog.
A glimmer of hope appeared, a little ahead the bushes were rustling quite strongly. "Ah" thought the driver, the little twerps caught a rabbit.

The driver goes wading into the bushes, shouting at this Yorkie dog, "put the bloody thing down and lets get home". Then , as he pulled back the bushes he was confronted by a very white pair of buttocks, going hell for leather at what comes naturally. Well, what with the girl, screaming, her bobbing boyfriend trying to get off , whilst shouting abuse at the driver , and the driver trying to explain that he thought it was his Yorkie, you can imagine the Mr Bean type chaos. Anyway , the driver scarpered, and to make matters worse, when he got back to his Taxi, there was the Yorkie, sat sitting on his bonnett waiting for him, with this, "well where have YOU been look".

Quik Bite:

One particular couple on the taxi front went out one evening to a function. The female side of the couple had false teeth. They both had a very good night out and got rather drunk. On waking up from a deep sleep the female started to panic. Her gub was trying to say something but all she was getting was a load of rubbish as her gums could not function around the words she was saying. She had taken her teeth out, the night before and did not have a clue where she had put them, and after spending half an hour searching for them, she was still garbling a load of gummy words when a scream came from the bedroom. She quickly rushed upstairs, and there was her husband, running around the bedroom in pain with deep teeth marks in his buttocks. He had rolled over in his sleep and laid heavily on these rather sharp gnashers. ( Brings a whole new meaning to talking out of ones arse i guess.)

Dip yer lights:

This story happened many years ago, during what i call the mad cab days, it was the talking point in the taxi world for a very long time, in fact even to day many of us still bring this story up from time to time.
One of Guernseys most colourfull link controllers of that time was on his day off, he was a rather large person, in fact it was said that he could stand behind Cyril Smith and still be seen. He had gone to pick up his girlfriend, who was also a not so thin person, and went out for a drive. They decided that they would get some chips and drive down to St.Sampsons harbour and eat them. Well, after the chips were eaten, things got a bit hot, the passion started flowing, the windows started steaming. The hand brake had suddenly become a problem, getting into places it wasn't designed for, so they let the brake down, it was in gear anyway, so no problem. Now, of course you can't do much with your clothes on,(so they tell me), so they tried getting his trousers off, well, you can imagine this, not much room in the front to move , legs going one way, arms going somewhere else, then the bloody trousers got caught round the gearstick.

The passion by now was electric, these damn trousers were causing hot flushes in more ways than one, with one hefty tug he got one leg out of the trousers, and was about to sort out the other leg, bearing in mind, by now there was another object getting in the way as well as a gearstick, if you get my drift, when suddenly the earth moved for them. In there excited hot arena they had failed to notice that the car, hand brake off, and now the gearstick pulled into neutral from the frantic trouser pulling, that the car had rolled forward, the next minute, there was this flying feeling, then wallop, they were on the sea bed, some 25 feet below where they had been seconds before. It was very lucky that the tide was out at that time, although one driver quipped, " it wasn't, but when those two hit the seabed there was a gigantic tidal wave leaving the harbour mouth faster than Nigal Mansell" . It was a bit logic i suppose.

Directions:

A few weeks ago i was driving in St.Andrews, suddenly i saw this lady put up her hand. Quick as a flash i hit the brakes, as all good taxi drivers do when they see punters hailing them, pulled up along side the lady and her husband. She gave me a funny look, then continued to point to the trees showing her husband this particular bird. Well, i felt a pillock to start off with, an even bigger one when i suddenly realised that i was not driving the taxi, i was in fact driving my own private car. The lady by now was looking quite worried, i mean some strange person in a car had screached to a halt along side them for no reason at all. So i thought very quickly, i used the electric window button and rolled down the passenger side window, and, in the broadest Irish accsent i good muster said to the lady " would yer be koindly telling me the way to St.Peter Port please", and then had to endure a full 10 minutes while her and her husband gave me instructions that even a blind man could have followed, they even drew me a map.