Radio
I recently picked up two middle aged ladies in the taxi from a well known eating place. As we were driving to their destination i couldn't help over hearing their conversation. One of the ladies turned to the other on and said, " i always listen to Island FM in the mornings, that Kevin Stewert always gets me going and he makes me laugh, " the other lady in a rather posh voice replied, " oh no, i much prefer Radio Guernsey far better radio station", quick as a flash the other lady retorted, "ah yes but, a recent survey proved that Island FM has more viewers". Does she know something we dont, do you think.
'Armless:
This story appeared a few years ago when i first joined Guernsey Net before i did my first homepage, so i'll redo it again for those who have not read the story.
Some years ago one of our drivers was sent to a pub to pick up a passenger. When he got there he discovered it was quite an old man rather drunk. The barman assured the driver that he was quite harmless and would not get any bother with him. So the driver set off with this chap on the short journey to his house. Sure enough the man gave him no problems in fact he was quite amicable. They got to the passengers house, the man paid him and he then tried to get out. Well, he struggled, so the driver got out the taxi, opened up the passenger door for him and helped him out, then thought that he had better make sure he got in safely. So up the garden path they went, the passengers arm fimly wedged and held tight by the driver to stop him falling over. Well, they nearly got to the front door, when the man stumbled, and started to fall, the driver quickly grabbed his arm firmly in a vice like grip , however the man fell flat on his nose on the concrete path, this puzzled the driver, untill he suddenly realised that allthough the man was a few feet in front of him sprawled out on the path, the mans arm was still firmly gripped by the drivers hands, his wife came out, looked at the driver, took the wooden arm off him, said" better get this inside it's always coming off, one day he'll lose it, mind you, it's a bloody pity the arm don't lose him, i say".
There are some strange sights that confront a taxi driver during his lifetime driving
around the streets of wherever he or she is based.
Quite recently,whilst driving up a back street in St.Peter Port i was confronted by a
rather well oiled female, standing in a doorway, or rather trying to stand, around her
ankles were her knickers, both myself and my passengers declined from offering to pull
them up for her.
This next story was sent to me by an American cabbie working in Iowa.
The driver was working the night shift, and picked up a drunken man from the local tavern.
When he entered the cab he asked if he could smoke?, the driver said ok as long as he did
not drop it and burn holes in the seat. The driver dropped him off at his destination and
went on about her business. For the following 20 minutes or so she could smell burning,
checked the back seat and found nothing at all. A few moments later she knew what was
burning, he had put the cigarette in the hood of her jacket and it had burned it's way
through her jacket, shirt and even her bra, also making a sizable hole in the car seat.
Needless to say that she refrains from wearing hooded garments whilst driving her American
cab.
A taxi driver was sent to a house to pick up a passenger. On arrival at the house, he discovered that the passenger had a few boxes to load up. So the driver helped load them in the taxi, the passenger then explained that he was going to lock the front door and would come around the back of the house, and would not be long. Well 15 minutes later the driver was still waiting, he had gone all around the garden to see where the passenger had got too, but could not find hide or hare of him. Then, suddenly the passenger appeared, apologised for being so long, but explained to the driver that he had tripped up, and dropped his keys down the loo. The driver then noticed that the passenger was holding the keys, and quickly decided that he would decline from shaking the mans hand.
This story came via an American cabbie, it's every parents nightmare.
The cabbie was sent to a house ro pick up passengers, out of the house came an
attractive ,wealthy lady with her 8 year old daughter. The lady wanted to go to the
supermarket, and then be taken back to the house.
The driver offered to help her do the shopping and so off into the supermarket all three
went. The little girl kept asking her mum for things, as little children do, but the
mother kept saying no, using the excuse that there was plenty already at home. Once at the
checkout, the lady was unpacking her trolly whilst the cabbie was packing her goods into
bags etc, when the little girl dropped a real bombshell.
"Mummy" she said, "i want that little teddy bear ", the mother
replied.," you have many teddies and dolls at home, you don't need another one",
"if you don't let me have that teddy mummy" the little girl retorted in quite a
loud voice, " i will tell everyone at school i saw you kissing daddies willy last
night".
When i asked the driver what happened next, he replied, " she went every shade of red
that has ever been invented, we were all out of the supermarket like a rocket slid on
rails, leaving behind a lot of grinning checkout operators, .........oh and by the way,
the little girl got her teddy bear".
A local driver was sent to a hotel bar to pick up some passengers, he went into the
bar to get them and it turned out to be 3 quite drunked sailors who were off a navel ship
in Guernsey for that weekend. One of the sailors was being supported by the other two and
the driver was not keen on taking him, the sailors walked out of the bar towards the taxi
whilst the driver was trying to reason with the one who was in charge. Anyway when the
driver got to the cab there were only 2 sailors sat in it, so the driver asked what
happened to the other one, " oh we,ve got really fed up with carrying that guy around
all night so we,ve dumped him". So the driver set off and took these two sailors down
to the harbour to meet their connection to the Frigate.
At least 5 hours later the driver was still going, it had been a busy night and he was now
thinking about going off shift when a message came over the air from his link controller,
" if any driver out there spots a sailor wandering about lets us know, only he is
long over due for getting back to the ship and the MP's are looking for him". His
thoughts went back to the three sailors that ended up with two and wondered if it was the
one they had dumped, and wondered where. Then suddenly thought, "they wouldn't have
surely", he got out of his car, opened up the boot, and there sleeping in a drunken
stuper was the missing sailor. An estimation after of how many miles the cabbie had done
with this sailor curled up in his boot was about 75 miles.
A taxi driver drove two middle aged ladies to a house in St.Andrews, they paid the driver and got out of the taxi. As the taxi driver was driving off he looked in his inside mirror and saw them waving to him, " ah, they were nice ladies even waving me goodbye" he thought to himself. He was sent to another job and as the passengers were getting into his taxi, one of the passengers said to the driver, " did you know that you have a hand bag hanging out of your back passengers door".
Many years ago we on the mini cab trade had a regular run, to
pick up a deaf lad every day and take him to work at one of the local hospitals. I picked
him this one morning in my green Ford Cortina mk 4 mini cab that i had at this particular
time. We only got to the end of the road when i had a problem with the gearstick, it had
somehow worn out in a joint and would no longer change gear.
So here we are, stuck at a yellow line, i am on the radio to our link control to explain
the situation so that they can send a replacement car to get him to work, course he can't
here a word i am saying, so he is getting angry.
So in my hopeless way of trying to explain to him with arm and hand signals that the car,
she no move, no bloody gear stick to shift it's ass off the yellow junction line and i was
getting no where, and he was getting more and more upset about being late for work, and as
far as he was concerned he had some dickhead driver who for some reason had taken a fancy
to yellow junction lines. So the only way i could get through to him was to persuade the
gearstick to come all the way out of it's socket and wave it about in my left hand under
his nose, to which a big grin appeared on his face, he knew now what was the problem.
In the minicab days we had a regular passenger that we picked
up sometimes 4 times a week, she was an old lady, who would give you hell if you were a
penny overcharged, and would rap you with her walking stick when you were late, if you
were longer than ten minutes late you would have to go and borrow a suit of armour from
Castle Cornet first. Every trip the lady would always get out a paper bag full of mint
imperials, she would take one out a give it to you, even if you didn't like the flamin'
things you dare not refuse, as the old walking stick was itching to get going lashing
itself on your head. These next two stories are episodes of the little ball of mint.
Her usual friday trip was a 2 oclock pickup from her house to the Town Church square to do
her shopping.This driver had picked her up, and on the way down got the usual Mint
Imperial, now he hated the things, so he kept it wrapped in his hand telling her that he
would eat it a little later, which he got an earbashing over but he managed to divert her
conversation by talking about how well she looked, that was a good trick that.
He pulled up into the Town Church, got out of his car, opened her passenger door and
started to help her out of the cab. Around the Town Church Square came another minicab
from the same company, the driver saw who our man had been lumbered with and started
laughing and taking the micky out of him. So the driver with the mint threw it straight at
the other driver, the driver caught it cleanly and straight away threw it back at the
other driver getting Miss Brenton out of the cab, the driver ducked and this little mint
ball hit Miss Brenton on the back of the head, the driver who had thrown it quickly
scarpered, leaving the other driver to face Miss Brenton, she picked up her walking stick,
turned to the driver and said, "what was that young man", quick as flash the
driver explained" them damn pigeons Miss Brenton, they are always dropping nuts in
the Square" he was kicking the mint under the car whilst he was lying to her through
the back of his teeth, anyway she believed him which saved him a severe wacking from the
able walking stick.
The other story concerning the Mint Imperial ball involved
myself. I had picked her up one evening to take her to her local bingo hall in the Castel
Parish, out came this white bag, in goes her hand and out comes this one Mint Imperial,
"have a mint young man" she said, well i was young in them days and before
anyone E-Mails me yes it was after the Steam Age. Now i always drive with my passenger
window down, most times that is, i put this mint on the end of my thumb while she wasn't
looking and flicked it out of what should have been an open window.
Oh no, i had only lowered the window slightly, the little mint ball hit the window at some
pace making an awful sound, then rattled down the dashboard towards the passenger side,
had the damn cheek to rattle its way back towards me and then if that wasn't enough
rattled it's way back towards the other side again, only this time if you please it fell
off the dashboard and under Miss Brenton feet."What on earth was that noise" she
asked, "oh i think a stone flicked up from the road and hit the car" i tried to
explain convincingly, "oh dear " she said, " you have dropped your mint
look it is by my feet, poor lad must have been you worrying about the stone hitting your
nice car" she carried on rambling, "it aint going to be my night i can see
this" i thought, i was right, she picked another mint out from her little white bag,
put it in her hand "open wide" she asked me, and shoved this little white ball
of Mint Imperial in my gub, "can't have you going without your mint young man"
she prattled on.
Some years ago i had a Vauxhall Cavalier as a Taxi and this
particular early summer evening i was first off on the Weighbridge Rank. Walking towards
my cab was a small chap walking as straight as a rattler sliding down a sand dune,
"jez" i thought " just what i need".
He fell into my cab, and asked me to take him to the Salerie Corner, some 300yds up the
road, "i know i'm pissed, but i'm no trouble mate" he told me. Sure enough he
was no problem, apart from me propping him up with my elbow as we went around the Salerie
Corner, he was leaning over more than Barry Sheen ever did.
The fare was in those days £1.10, so he gave me £2.00, and said keep the change as he
was pleased to get home. Now gawd knows why, but a lot of people when they have had a lot
to drink always pat the roof of the car when they have got out of the cab, this guy was no
exception, bang bang on the roof he went, which sounded like a Kangaroo with clogs,
"okey mate i'm out thanks a hic lot hic" he shouted and so i drove off.
Well, there was this loud banging noise, and then some shouting, i looked left as i was
speeding off down the road, and there was this very red faced short gentleman running like
hell keeping up with the car, " i've got my thumb stuck in your car door " he
shouted in a puffed out or totally clapped out voice.
It is very rare that i am lost for words, however this
particular morning i was speechless.
One morning, about 07:45 In the early eighties i was sent to a house to pick up a
passenger and take her to One of the Islands hospitals. She noticed the no smoking signs
in the car, and then asked me if i would really mind if she had a smoke as she was going
on duty shortly and it would be some time before she can smoke again. So i said i
understood and let her light up a fag.
We had gone a mile or so when she asked me where the ashtray was, "sorry", i
replied , " there is no ashtray as we had to remove it to allow for the taxi meter to
be fitted" i explained, "you'll have to use the window" i told her.
Well, she put the fag between her thumb and finger, and stubbed the damn thing out on the
passengers window.
One afternoon, in a big city in the UK, a driver was sent to a
block of flats to pick up a passenger.
He arrived there, and his passenger came to his car, she was a very pretty young lady,
wearing an expensive black suit, with a short skirt, the driver could not help noticing
the long suntanned beautifull pair of legs the lady had.
He drove her into the city center, where she got out of the taxi onto the very wide
footpath where all the shops were.As she walked off He decided that he could not resist a
last lingering look at the long , suntanned legs, so he stopped where he was.
He saw her stumble slightly, then lo and behold a black pair of lace knickers appeared around her ankles. Now the girl was aware of the fact that she could not bend down and pick them up without giving everyone an eyefull, so she calmly slipped her right foot out of the Knickers, slipped off her left shoe, and with a perfect lob, only slightly bettered by Eric Cantona, she lifted the knickers into the air.
She caught them with her right hand, shoved them into her handbag, slipped back on her left shoe and walked off, every move had been so graceful
She glanced back at the taxi driver, i guess she knew what taxi drivers are like, (well some) , she gave him a big grin, turned around and walked smack bang into a telephone kiosk.
Many years ago an oldish lady from an estate in the Castel would ring up for a cab from her house to St.Peter Port. Every time the driver picked her up she would say, " them robbing so and so's at the little shop here are charging to much for the potatoes, they are 5p a pound cheaper in the Market". And so off they would set, to the Market, she would get her spuds and nothing else, then then the cab driver would take her all the way back to the Castel. One or two drivers tried to explain the obvious, but could not get through to her, and most of the time could not get a word in edgeways, still it was a good run.
A london cabbie was on duty one Christmas Eve in the early
eighties, when he was flagged down by a very well dressed gentleman in a pin stripped suit
and bowler hat.
The man , well oiled, more than likely from the office party got into the cab, said"
and a good day to you sir" in a broad Irish accsent, "will yer be takin' me to
Piccadilly Circus please" .
The London cabbie leaned slowly back and said, " your in Piccadilly now mate". The Irishman got up from his seat, staggered out through the other back door, came to the drivers front window, produced a £10.00 note and said" be jesus, thats the fastest and smoothest ride i have ever had, keep the change sir" , and off he staggered to the nearest watering hole.
One evening i was sent to a house to pick up 2 passengers for St.Peter Port. When the passengers came out of the house my jaw dropped so low that it hit the car floor and came back an hour later hitting me in nose. Both the passengers were dressed in punk gear, mohican hair styles, enough earings all over the place to hang up a mansion full of curtains, safety pins that would held up a thousand nappies and all the rest of the leather and studs etc. They must have seen the look on my face, cos as the girl got into the back of the car she said, "we are going to a fancy dress party", not dressed as vicars and tarts i thought that for sure. Now the boyfriend tried to get in the back with her but had a problem, his well lacquered mohican skyscraper orange hairstyle was noway going to let him sit without his head being bent over in such an angle that he would have had to wrap his had around his ankles. "Better get in the front" i told him, "i'll open up the sunroof and your hair can stick through that. So their i am driving my cab towards St.Peter Port, middle of the winter, sunroof open , with the orange mass of mohican styled hair sticking well out of the roof, and it must have been held together with super glue, cos when i got him to the dance hall that he was going to not a hair was out of style, the girlfriend then had to help him backout of the cab at some ridiculous angle , ass first, hairstyle some time later.
In the seventies their was a mini cab driver who at times
could be a first class misery, this particular day was one of those, and when he picked up
this drunk from a country pub and the punter blerted out, " get me to the White rock
and make it fast" it didn't help the situation.
All the way down this passenger was giving the driver a lot of verbal, the driver was
giving him some back, but most of the time the passenger was getting by far the better. At
last the minicab driver got to the White Rock , the passenger then said in a grumpy voice,
"get me as close to harbour as you can i dont want to walk bleedin, miles to get to
my fishing boat".
The driver pulled up at the fishing quay, the passenger got out and then disappeared. Well
this was the last straw for this driver, he called up his link controller and shouted down
the microphone " GET THE POLICE DOWN TO THE FISH QUAY NOW, I HAVE HAD NOTHING BUT
HASSTLE FROM MY LAST PASSENGER AND HE HAS NOW GONE OFF WITHOUT PAYING HIS FARE, I WANT THE
POLICE NOW" he carried on screaming at this poor link operator. He noticed a few
people stood at the end of the quay looking over the sea wall a bit further up from where
he was parked with his mini cab waiting for the police, so he took a stroll up to see what
they were looking at, Lo and behold it's his passenger splashing around in the harbour for
all he his worth trying to get himself near a boat or ladder to save himself. It turned
out that the driver had put him so close to the harbour wall, that as the passenger got
out of the door, he leaned back a bit to get his wallet out of his back pocket, took a
step backwards and did a perfect feet first dive into the icy cold harbour water, mind you
he sobered up rather quicker than normal.