Caution Cabbie's on the Loose
Weddings and Funerals

These stories are about Mishaps etc during Weddings and Funerals

Too Late:

Many years ago a Mini Cab firm had a wedding to cover, the driver who was booked to do it rang up on the day to say he was ill. So at 9 a.m. in the morning they are pannicking trying to find a driver to do it. A driver offered to do it, the wedding was at 11 a.m., so off he went, took the car home, washed it, hoovered it, polished the inside and then put all the ribbons etc on, put his best suit on and shot down to the house where he was picking up the bride. He arrived at the pick up point, but could see no one waiting there. So he went up to the front door, banged on it, rang the bell, again and again, then all of a sudden a bedroom window opened, a man leant out and said in a gruff, well half asleep knackered voice " what you want" he growled, " i have come to pick up the bride for the wedding " the driver replied, " p..s off, the wedding was yesterday, and i'm on my honeymoon".

The Canadian Wedding:

I was sent, some years ago to pick up passengers from a house and take them to a church in the Castel. The two male passengers were dressed up in all the Scottish dress, kilts and all, and they were going to a wedding. The usuall question came from my gub, "what part of Scotland are you from" och aye lad we are Scots born, but we live in Canada, we are in Guernsey for my Cousins wedding who is also Canadian marrying a French resident of Guernsey lady", well that helped. I got them to the church, they were certainly jovial lads and i think already a bit merry. They got out of the car and i had to wait a while because i was blocked in. Just then two young lads on push bikes passed, one shouted out, as you do, "up yer kilt Jock", well, the two lads both bent down, pulled up their kilts and showed two pairs of lily white buttocks to the lads, " come an' park ye bikes here ya wee bairns" one of them shouted. Now it seems that there is always someone going to be around at these precise moments who really should not be. Passing the church at that precise moment, and slowing down so that they could see the white wedding was a coach load of old folk on a days outing, well the only white wedding they saw were these white buttock style bike parks that had more lumps on them than the hunch back of Notre Dames rear end, the look on these old folks faces was a real picture, the coach driver decided to put metal to the floor before some of his passengers passed out or worse.

Thunder and Lightning:

One of the Mini cab drivers who used to drive the hearse always loked the part when dressed for a funeral. He had a very long face, wore a long black coat and a top hat and would very much resemble the scottish man from Dads Army, all one really needed was a bat to fly past.

This one winters evening about 5 p.m he was driving the hearse with a coffin in the back, down Mont Arrive hill, it was pouring with rain, thundering and lightning. He saw this old gentleman walking on the footpath, he was really drenched, so our entrepid driver thought he would offer him a lift. The driver pulled across the road and pulled up along side the old man, the driver said to the old man, in his usuall deepish voice, "would you like a lift ", no sooner had he said that, then a flash of lightning lit the hearse and coffin up, and crack of thunder sounded like ten thousand guns opening up. The old man took one look at this driver, with the hearse gleaming in the bright light of the lightning and turned a very much whiter shade of pale. He leapt straight over the low wall near the estate and for an old man ran like for all was worth.

1 Wedding 1 Funeral:

One day in the early mini cab days a driver was on funeral duties. He went into the cab office, got his instructions, got into his hearse and set off with the coffin to the church where the funeral was to take place. He was all dressed up as one does for a funeral, long black coat and black top hat, what with his long face he looked the part.
He pulled up at the church, he thought it a bit strange that people were there with cameras and then the back of his hair stood on end when out of the church door came the Bride and Groom. The bride took one look at this Funeral driver in his long black coat and top hat with his long droopy face and needed supporting as she nearly fainted.
The driver quickly re read his instructions, " s- - t " he said " i am at the wrong church" he had totally misread his instructions and should have been at another church 10 minutes ago. He quickly sped off in his hearse leaving everybody else in a complete daze and headed for the other church. The vicar that was conducting the funeral was going up and down on the spot more times than a call girls knickers on a busy weekend, he was furious, all the bereaved people waiting for the coffin of their loved one to arrive. The sting was taken out a little of the situation when a lady near the front of the church turned around to her husband and quite loudly said " George, i told you that man would even be late for his own funeral".

And a change of underwear was needed:

The mini cab firm that did funerals many years, would always send a new driver up to the mortuary on his first day to pick up a body for next days funeral.
Instructions were, pull up outside the main doors, walk in where you will see the body waiting for you under sheets, if no one is around, you will find the porter in the office behind who will sort everything out for you.
Up went this particular new driver, really proud to be in the big hearse all shining and polished, and the driver all dressed in a black uniform. Into the mortuary he swaggered, saw the table , with a body all covered in white sheets, the coffin next to it, but no one around.
So down past the table he went, whistling away as he past, towards the office where the porter was. As he had just got level with the table, all hell (excuse the pun) broke loose.
The sheet rustled, moaning voices started coming from under the sheets, and then the body slowly started to sit up. The drivers whistling stopped on the spot, they reckoned his hair lifted 3 inches into the air, his face went a very much whiter shade of pale, and his jaw dropped so much that it hit the slabbed floor and bounced right back up and hit him in the nose.
Then an almighty scream left his lips, that was more curdling than a thousand hungry babies, he shot out of the mortuary , like a rocket on grease rails, and was not seen again for a long while, they say that he ran so fast past his Hearse outside, that it swayed on its suspension for quite a while, a change of underwear, was most certainly the next thing on the drivers agenda.

On the way through:

Many years ago one mini cab firm used to do funerals, one particular day, a Hearse had been sent, to the higher parishes to pick up a coffin and head towards the church service. The link controller, was in a very tight jam, and was desperate to get some holiday makers down to catch their boat from a hotel in St.Martins. Having tried desperately to get a mini cab to cover the job, and failed, he was left with one idea. He called up the hearse, asked where he was, then said , on the way through pick up these 2 people waiting at the hotel and rush them down the boat as fast as you can. So , there this hearse was, a coffin , covered with flowers in the back, 2 passengers sitting on the coffin with their suit cases weaving there way down the Val Des Terres. The motorists in front of the Hearse, when spotted in their mirrors, would pull over to let the hearse through , out of respect, you can imagine their faces as the Hearse went past , coffin, flowers and people waving carrying suit cases.

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