An Australian cab company had a problem, when some members of the link staff had there tea they would always buy a few cakes, most times as they were busy they would have one and leave a few for later. Trouble was, that when they went back later, either all or some had mysteriously walked. One day a Link controller had his lunch, left a few cakes behind, carried on working, then went back later to have another cake, sure enough two were missing. So he went back into the control room, and calmly said over intercom system in the Cab office and garage, " allthough this may sound petty, it could have serious consequences, one of you have eaten two cakes from the lunch room, sadly they contained rat poison, we where going to put them down later to catch the rat that is in this building, who ever has eaten them, you'll need a doctor quick". Every body looked at each other, one of them knew he was in a mess, suddenly one middle aged mechanic ran straight for the loo, they heard him heave, and then rush out of the building, onto the main street, shouting, " someone please get me an Ambulance, i have been poisoned ", he was holding his throat, going redder and redder, sweating like the perverbial pig, his voice getting more and more desperate, " i'm dying he shouted, i'm dying help me". Well an Ambulance did pick him up, rushed him to hospital and pumped him out." Inside the cab office the link control were in hysterics, it hadn't been laced with rat poison at all, it had all been a set up. They certainly never had any cakes go walkabouts again, and till this day the mechanic still does not know that it was all a hoax.
One of our, as this particuler visitor to the Island said, " a wonderful middle aged taxi lady, had picked this man up from the Airport. He told the driver that this was his first visit for over twenty years, he had helped build the Dam. "Oh" she said to him, well seeing as you are on a transfer, ie a fixed price all inclusive of package holiday, i will take you around that way to see the Dam, so off they went. She was giving him all the run down of the history of the Dam, like the farmhouse at the bottom which you can see when we are low on water, so on and so forth. She noticed he looked a little puzzled, but thought nothing of it. Well after 10 minutes or so they got to the Dam, " there it is in all its splendour, " she said," lot more trees and bushes and pathways than when you built it " she rattled on and on. " Very nice area, lovely sight seeing tour on the way here, perfect history lesson on it all" he told her, " but this aint the Dam i helped build, it was the one on a road called the Forest road". Two minutes from the Airport is a small Dam with a water tower, she had spent half an hour going through all the patter of the Main Dam not for one minute thinking about the small catch point Dam, what a prat she felt.
A mini bus driver was 30 minutes early for his next job, so
decided to take a look at the sea in waiting.
Down the track at this bay he drove, then he noticed a young lady
wearing the shortest pair of hot pants and the tightest T shirt
you can imagine, she was going down towards the beach walking her
dog. The driver just could not keep his eyes off her, and so
slowly he drove his Mini bus a little way behind her, his eyes
firmly fixed an her wiggling firm buttocks, he did not notice a
single other thing around him. Then he was abruptly awoken when
he heard a horrible revving noise and he realised he was sinking.
He had driven into very soft sand, and was quickly sinking up
past the hob caps. Try as he might, he could not get the bus back
out of the sand. He very reluctantly had to give up and call the
link control to explain that he could not do the job he was sent
to do, told them the bus had broken down.
When the garage came to tow him out of the sand he made up a
thousand different reasons as to why he was stuck there, but none
came near the real reason.
We have read about a driver called the Ferrett, well if you
have a nice garden, don't get her to drive you up to your door
where you have a nice garden, as one lady did.
After the lady got out of the cab, the Ferrett reversed the cab
to turn round, and by the time she had tacked a few times, the
Primroses, which were the ladies favourite, looked more like the
old cigarettes called passing clouds, and believe me, there is no
market for yellow or any other colour flowers with tred marks on
them.
Many years ago when Sealink used to arrive at the docks at 6 a.m. a driver thought all his birthdays had come at once when a passenger jumped into his cab and asked to be taken to the Imperial hotel. They had gone about a mile when the passenger said" your going the long way around", not if your going to the Imperial hotel i am not " he replied . He could see the passenger was aggitated, so he checked once more that it was the Imperial hotel he wanted, " yes" came the reply. After about 3 miles or so they passed the Airport, the passenger got really angry and accused the driver of ripping him off and insisted the the Imperial hotel was not this far away from the docks " unless they have moved the the hotel overnight and carted it away, this is the only way to the Imperial hotel" the driver retorted.
The passenger shouted at the driver " i have been to Jersey many times" and then stopped abruptly as the driver hit the brakes , turned the car around and headed back to the docks, the passengers face was a picture when the driver explained that he had got off on the wrong Island, " this is Guernsey my friend" he told the passenger, with a wide grin on his face, " your 27 miles of deep cold water short of Jersey " the driver finished.
A local lady Taxi driver picked up a passenger who wanted to go to the North of the Island. The weather was bad, it was blowing a gale and pouring with rain. The driver had gone a few hundred yards when the passenger said to the driver, " i have only got £3.00 on me, so can you stop when the meter reaches that amount", the normal fare late in the night at that time would have been about £5.80.
The lady driver replied " i am not going to make you walk in this weather, i will make sure you get home and will only charge you £3.00". So when they got to this mans house, he paid her with a £5.00 note, and sat there waiting for his £2.00 change.
A local lady Taxi driver picked up some passengers and took them to the airport, the man was a very well dressed executive of a large bank. When they arrived at the airport the passenger gave our friendly lady driver a £10.00 note and waited for his change, however, he got more than he bargained for when by mistake, out of her money bag, along with a handfull of coins came a condom, which fell into his waiting palm. ................Trying to explain to the passenger that they were balloons for the office party later had no effect on him what so ever.
One U.K Cab driver was sent to a Zoo to pick up a parcel and deliver it to a train station. He arrived at the Zoo, was given the box, which was quite large and fairly heavy, but being a strong person declined a trolly, picked up the box, held it firmly in his arms resting against his chest, shoved it on the back seat and drove to the railway station. When he arrived, he dragged it out the car, picked it up as before and walked into the depot whistling away with this parcel. Stood there holding it whilst the porter got a special cage put the box in and wheeled off on a trolly. The cab driver couldn't really understand why he was getting funny looks from the porter. As he went out the depot he said to another porter, "as a matter of interest what was in that box", "oh just a Cobra" came the reply. It is i am led to believe that the cab driver needed a change of underwear on the spot.
One winters evening, in the Mini Cab days, a driver, who we
had nicknamed, Clockwork, was sent to a Chinese takeaway in
St.Peter Port, and deliver a meal to a house at Les Dunes Vazon.
The weather was wet and cold, he arrived at Vazon with the meal,
got out of the Cab, picked up the meal, which was in a cardboard
box, and set off down the track towards the front door of the
house. He tripped on a stone, and fell face first flat out into a
large puddle of water, he was covered from head to toe in thick
wet slimy mud, the meal had soared into the air .
The meal crashed down on the ground, about one spoonful of curry
, was the only thing left to salvage, a dog appeared quickly on
the scene and was last seen scampering down the drive with 2
spareribs firmly grasped between his jaws.
One or two sweet and sour balls were rolling down the drive,
towards the ladies feet, who was waiting very patiantly for her
meal, she could see the Taxi light, but had no idea yet the
comedy of errors that was going on, the driver was still flatout,
brown, wet and resembling an all in mud wrestler, the ladies dog
had been fed, the Seagulls had woken up and were sitting cross
legged on the sea wall waiting to pick up the rest of the meal,
and more than likely bits of the driver, when the woman finally
realised where her meal had ended up.
Fx4 London Cabs are ideal for carrying invalid passengers and
their wheelchairs, anyone who has travelled in one would well
understand why.
This driver was sent to a house to pick up such a person in a
wheelchair along with the mans wife. When he got to the house he
had to drive up a very steep slope to the front door of the
house. He helped wheel the man to the taxi and opened one of the
cabs back doors, the mans wife then walked to the other side of
the cab , opened that door and got in, leaving the cab driver to
sort everything out.
He got the man out of the wheelchair and managed to get him into
the cab and safely onto the back seat, and then proceeded to get
the wheelchair into the cab. As he lifted it up and then put it
down on the cab floor he somehow slipped, let go of the
wheelchair which because of the angle of the cab rolled straight
out of the other door which the mans wife had not yet closed.
The wheelchair landed on all four wheels and shot straight down
the steep slope, the driver in hot pursuit. Straight across the
road which was fairly wide the wheelchair sped, causing an
enormous screech of tyres from cars trying to avoid this runaway
wheelchair, The driver making no impact on closing it down to
catch it. It went straight into the driveway opposite, passed a
very bewidered man doing his garden, the driver still in hot
pursuit, but now puffing like a well fired Flying Scotsman steam
train. It then hit the mans alsation dog who was having a kip in
the drive quite firmly in the backside.
This didnot please the dog one bit, the driver stopped dead in
his tracks as the dog lost his temper with this thing that had
the audacity not only to wake him but to give him assache.The dog
sank his teeth firmly into the wheels of the wheelchair, growled
like a demented wolf during full moon and brought the thing over
on to its side. The man doing his garden was in fits of laughter,
and turned to the driver and said" i wouldn't bother asking
the dog for your wheelchair back just yet mate, the dog is not a
happy chappy".