Sons of Ebenezer strike again

Radical Guernsey freedom-fighters, the Sons of Ebenezer, have again struck a devastating blow to island life. In a surprise move, aimed at disturbing the island's modern, Anglicised lifestyle, a crack SoE commando squadron yesterday hi-jacked a States Works Department truck. The workers were gagged and bound, and had their overalls stolen.

Police have been desperately seeking the stolen vehicle, but have been unable to move through the traffic chaos created by SoE's "hit and run" roadworks.

A police spokesman said "It's impossible to trace them. There are so many teams out digging up the roads and any one of them could be the terrorists. We can't see the wood for the trees. For all we know they could all be terrorists. At this rate they will have the entire island's traffic flow ground to a halt by 4 o'clock, and then how would all the bankers get home when they skive off early?"

One devastated victim recounted how the commando group struck. "I was nearly at Camp du Roi, pulling up at the lights, when this yellow truck screamed to a halt, right in the middle of the junction. Well, all these men in overalls jumped out - I just dived for cover, as you do. There was this terrible noise like a machine gun going off. I thought I was a goner, but apparently it was only a jack-hammer. Then they got back into the truck and sped away, shouting and cursing in patois. There were "road closed" signs everywhere. No-one could move."

In a statement to the media, the Sons of Ebenezer (or Les Fils d'Ebenezer, as they prefer to be called) set out their demands. Their first priority is apparently the abolition of the States of Deliberation, with a consequent return of all political power to the Douzaines. The Sons also demand a reduction of the island's population to 1940's levels (less the Germans, of course, and the evacuees, who were too Anglicized). There have even been suggestions that only pure Guerns who can prove three generations or more of pure Guernsey blood should be allowed to stay on the island. Patois should be taught in all schools with proper emphasis on parochial differences and parish boundaries are to be returned to the alignments current in 1327 AD. Maybe the most radical demand of all is the re-separation of the Vale, with the entire area from the Vale Pond to the Bridge to be dredged out.

A spokesman from the Advisory and Finance Committee said the States would dismiss out-of-hand any radical proposals to interfere with development, in line with their policy since time immemorial and they see no reason to change just because the general population is being terrorised and held to ransom by a bunch of misguided fanatics.

The general population said they were quite used to being held to ransom and terrorised by a bunch of misguided fanatics.

Secret papers released by the SoE Army Council proved beyond any doubt that recent disruptions to the island's ferry service were caused by SoE's top secret "Operation Condor", in which highly skilled fighters took control of the entire ferry service, randomly cancelled sailings, over charged tickets and engaged in a devastating campaign of rudeness to passengers. The subsequent drop in tourist figures was seen as a massive victory for the group.

Now the island quivers in terror, wondering what will the Sons of Ebenezer do next. We can only wait and wonder.....